Healing Cores

Tip Says: Healing takes tiiiiiiiime. If anyone is promising your whole mindset and lifestyle will be 100% changed in "just 10 sessions for just $10,000" they're full of it. I'm not saying not to invest your money into your wellbeing, or not seek out a therapist or coach if that is within your means. Working with an expert one on one can be GREAT to help guide you to challenge distorted thinking and YOU ARE worth investing in. If you have access to therapy, GO TO IT. Seriously, just go. Talk therapy is not the only method of therapy and in fact isn't always best for all conditions.  There are so many great options out there. If you choose to partner with a coach make sure to do your research into making sure their values align with yours, as there are many people in health and wellness that promote toxic thinking and aim to profit off of pain. 

While the experience that can come from say a retreat, or a reiki session, plant medicine or any other "new age-y" practices, may kickstart or inspire you to opening your awareness, these are simply additional tools to healing, NOT requirements and definitely not quick-fix solutions. The only true requirement is you showing up for yourself.  There is no timeline, there is no quick fix, there is no correct order, there is no one size fits all, it is not linear. Healing starts small. Thoughts, which turn into actions, which form habits. Cycles will be repeated until lessons are learned. Things will get harder before they get easier. It will be lonely, frustrating, challenging and a lot of work. But, there is peace, self- love and genuine connection on the other side. Below is a list of core areas to explore to maximize your personal healing. 

It's also very important to keep in mind the systems of white supremacy and privilege, patriarchy and narcissism that are linked to health and wellness culture/society in America (and other counties as well). While you should take as much accountability for yourself as possible and seek to find peace and ease within your own life, the struggle also very much exists outside of ourselves and outside of our control. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS THE PROBLEM. It's true that eating healthier, staying active, and practicing self care are all positive ways to improve your overall health, however these are not magic cures to all of your problems. We still exist in a world that promotes profit over health, reinforces racial divides and actively uses racism to incarcerate and murder POC, reinforces poverty, denies the strength, value and rights of women, discriminates against LGBTQ+ and disabled persons, doesn't protect the rights of children, exploits our natural resources, promotes violence, exerts control with fear mongering and so on and on and on. To say these things have no effect on someone's mental health and wellbeing is straight up gaslighting and denying the reality that most of us are painfully aware of. 

Narcissism is everywhere. Anywhere there is opportunity to make a play for power or control, it's hanging around. It's in politics, government, media, Hollywood, military, religion, healthcare, schools, the workplace and relationships... Identifying narcissism and toxic traits is a huge first step in liberating yourself.  The more you can remove these behaviors from your life, be knowledgeable of when they are present and learn how to protect yourself from their affects, the more stable an environment you will have to exist and begin healing. The brain fog and negative self worth that come from being involved with narcissistic abuse makes it nearly impossible to heal. If you have been involved in narcissistic abuse in your personal relationships, it's important to also find domestic abuse information and groups to inform yourself and find support. Narcissistic abuse has the same affects as drug addiction on your brain. Over time it shrinks the hippocampus- reducing your ability to retain memories and to learn, also enlarging the amygdala- causing one to react from primal emotions typically from a state of anxiety or fear. This abuse also raises stress hormones and causes PTSD. That being said it's essential to take time out for yourself and to not immediately go looking for a new relationship before you recover and arm yourself after narcissistic abuse so as not to repeat the cycle. It's also important not to get too caught up in "figuring out" or "calling out" narcissists everywhere you go. If you're just learning about narcissists in your life, you'll likely start to see them everywhere... Considering the love bombing and positivity plays they use it can start to make even well intentioned people seem full of it. There are also other trauma responses, personality disorders and attachment styles that can present with the same behaviors. It's natural to be hyper aware of the signs and hyper vigilant about protecting yourself after learning/experiencing this, however it is not a healthy or fair practice to put it on yourself to label other's state of mental health. Keep an eye out for feeling used, absolutely, keep working on maintaining your boundaries, but other than that try to really focus on what you can control, yourself. In what ways can you strengthen your boundaries around narcissists?  In what ways do you let others have control over your life? The overall goal should be to learn what behaviors from others and the world around you effect you negatively and how to lessen or remove those negative impacts, regardless of what the true underlying cause of the other person's behaviors are, whether you can label it or not.


Intimate relationships are any close relationship in your life. These can be friendships, family, or partners. Most of us have some form of intimate relationship or are striving to have them. Identifying how you behave within your relationships is essential to understanding yourself and finding ways to challenge yourself, be understanding of yourself, and grow. Understanding attachment styles can also help you to understand what loved ones might be experiencing within their own attachment style and how to understand their needs as well (in a reciprocated way of course, not as an excuse for their behaviors). If you want to have healthy relationships, learn how to recognize, accept, understand, communicate and challenge your go to attachment behaviors if they are not secure. Keep in mind not everyone is always set to one specific style. We may have times we identify as anxious, avoidant and secure. You might even find yourself secure in your friendships, anxious in your partnerships and avoidant in your familial relationships. As with most labels, it's important not to overly identify with these but rather use them as a tool to better understand why you have certain behaviors and find information on how to help yourself around these go to behaviors and thought processes. One of the most common patterns seen in attachment styles, especially of those with complex trauma, is the anxious and avoidant partnership. It is highly common, and tends to repeat throughout partners until healing and repair occurs. This pairing often leads to further trauma when left unhealed, and begins to become a trauma bond. It takes a lot of self work, co-work and co-regulation to become healthy but it can be done so long as both partners are communicating and challenging their go to behaviors. You do not need to be "fully healed" to be in a healthy relationship, but you do need to be self aware and putting in the work or else you risk self sabotaging. The biggest key to maintain any healthy relationship, the most essential behavior to learn, is the timing and methods used between times of rupture and repair. Rupture- this can be an argument, disagreement, perceived argument or disagreement, or any offense or perceived offense to either partner. Repair- this can be active listening, calm communication, comforting, and apologizing to or from the offended partner. The timing needed between rupture and repair can vary for individuals, but should be addressed sooner rather than later, and certainly shouldn't be ignored or avoided. It's important to note that repair occurs from a place of calm and not a place of blame or anger. Often this means time is needed after rupture for both partners to calm their minds and think about how they want to address the rupture. Particularly with perceived offenses, when we take the time to think about where our anger or hurt came from, it wasn't actually the other person but rather something they triggered and stirred up unintentionally or perhaps even an unspoken or unfair expectation we had of our partner. A way that we can address repair without fully stepping into repair before we're ready is to acknowledge the upset or hurt, and express that you see this but that you need time before you can discuss it and would like to come back to it once you have thought more about it.


Our bodies are connected to us whether we like it or not. They are the vessel that carries us throughout our whooooole lives. When we take the time to truly connect with and appreciate our bodies for all that they do we can ease the pain that is stored within them and bring more grounding, calm and connection to our present lives. This can be DIFFICULT. For those that struggle with chronic pain, trauma, neurodivergence and dysregulation it can be all the more difficult yet all the more vital to find ways to appreciate, connect with and move comfortably within our bodies. Techniques such as intuitive yoga, qi gong, yoga nidra, EFT tapping, progressive muscle relaxation and body scans, breathwork, tai chi, om chanting and singing, ecstatic dance, mindful walking, walking/standing barefoot on the earth, cold showers, massage therapy and acupuncture are all wonderful ways to listen to your body and deepen your connection with it. It's also important to cut out or limit chemicals and habits that are harmful to our bodies. Toxins are everywhere and we can never truly remove them all, but it is worth the effort to try as most toxins negatively affect our hormones and thyroid which are vital functions of the body. This can look like removing harmful chemicals in household products/dyes in clothing/skincare products, limiting time spent in front of screens and electronics, meeting your specific nutritional needs, spending more time in nature, taking more mindful quiet time to yourself, getting enough rest and sleep, limiting or (ideally) removing alcohol and nicotine, moderating caffeine intake, and limiting overwork and stressors. While talk therapy and rewiring your thought processes are great, trauma and emotional pain are stored in the body and the biggest way to truly release them is through somatic practices. Remember that with all habits and practices it takes time to form them, about 18-66 days. Set realistic goals for yourself, take it one day at a time, and push yourself into healthier practices as much as you can!


When you identify what values in life are the most important to you, you can prioritize improving the quality in the areas of your life that matter most to you. This will inherently bring more peace, purpose and quality to your life. No one can define your values for you. There is no right or wrong order that we all should live by. Often we can feel pressured by loved ones, peers and society to value certain areas over others. However, if those values don't align with what you personally value, you will inevitably feel unfulfilled trying to meet others expectations of you. This is why it is so important to find what matters most to YOU and chase your own dreams. This isn't to say to live selfishly or to exploit or dismiss others needs, but to find what sparks joy in your life so as not to resent yourself or others and to find clearer direction on what you want to work towards and set goals for in your life. Keep in mind that our values can shift over time, this is a natural part of growth and life. This is a lifelong practice, that you can revisit often to check in with yourself.


For those with trauma it can be difficult to identify and understand emotions. The more we run from, numb and deny our feelings and emotions the harder life goes.  Fears and anxieties build up within our bodies and psyches causing pain, self sabotage and dysregulation. To break it down, to acknowledge is to simply take a step back to tell yourself you are experiencing a feeling. That's it. If you're new to it, you can start with just taking note of where you feel it in your body. Do you feel it tightly in your chest? Achingly in your gut? A lump in your throat? There are somatic practices (such as breathwork or eft tapping) you can use to soothe your body and nervous system that can help you to sit with your feelings and move through them. Once you get that down, you can then try to get curious with this feeling and try to identify your emotion behind it. Maybe you felt angry when someone said something to you, but when you sit with it longer you realize you got angry because what they said brought up a deep feeling of sadness. Next is accepting, accepting isn't to say you agree with your emotion, or that it should stay this way, it is merely to say "it is happening, and that is okay". Once we can identify our emotions, we can began to dive deeper into what triggers us and what methods we use to handle them/what methods we need to start using to move through difficult emotions. 


Finding others who share your experiences and who also share your goal of growth and recovery is game changing. Life can be deeply lonely at times and exceptionally so when going through healing and removing toxic or unhealthy people/habits from your life. Sharing with and listening to others who share similar traumas/struggles can help you to feel connected, understood and hopeful. You don't have to share your journey with everyone, but having at least one person you trust, who can listen to you without judgement, can make a huge difference in moving through your growth. It's also so important to acknowledge your progress and courage throughout your healing. Often we glaze over our strengths and efforts or just straight up don't see them at all. A supportive person or group will understand how hard you've worked and can help to remind you of just how far you've come. These are some of the same reasons why having a caring therapist that you meet with consistently breeds positive results. 


The repetitive thoughts and beliefs we tell ourselves have a huge impact on our state of minds and self image. For example, intrusive thoughts are fed by how much we fear them and what they might say about us as a person. When in reality, they say nothing about you as a person and yet the more we continue to believe them, the more we believe they are truths. The good news is we can identify repetitive thoughts and we can change the narrative. It takes a lot of work and consistent effort, but it can be done.  Journaling and meditation are great tools for this. Keep in mind, mediation isn't just sitting on the floor all Zen aiming to have no thoughts at all.  For those with anxieties, traumas and neurodivergence that's almost a completely unrealistic expectation. One mention of "just focus on your breath" and all of the sudden your breath becomes inconsistent and you forget how to even breathe. "Try to clear your mind" and suddenly there's a million random thoughts running through your mind on full volume repeat. Meditation can be done while doing any task or activity that doesn't require your full focus, (so not recommended while driving) but it could be during cleaning, bathing, walking etc. While journaling can help you to both recognize and release repetitive thought patterns. 


It's important to find connection to the world around you, because when it comes down to it, we're all connected. When we look at healing as a purely individualistic act, we deny the true connection that is EVERYTHING. We impose our needs over anyone else's and we turn our heads to other's in need by viewing them as separate and other from ourselves. Spirituality and healing are often sold as an individualistic journey, this concept could not be further from the truth and is in fact part of the problem we face as a society in America. No man is an island, no one person can fulfill all needs. While you cannot "pour from an empty cup" and need to find ways to prioritize yourself, to deny and remove yourself from others completely can be harmful, isolating and self defeating. Many find this connection through religion and churches, however it can be difficult to find safe inclusive spaces within religious structures. Another common meeting ground is bars/clubs... It's understandable how we end up there, but it's really not the ideal space for healing. Alternatives to these are; community gardens, gaming communities, coffee shops, hobby based groups, online communities, martial arts and sports teams, volunteer work for; food pantries, community centers, homeless shelters and animal shelters. Find activities that you enjoy and get involved. There's a niche group for everything and if you're an introvert, fear not, they all live on the internet. 


When life has been less than kind to you, and the world around you can breed and encourage such immense trauma, it can often leave us a victim of circumstance. However, holding onto a victim mindset is one of the most detrimental things we can do. It can be found at the core of many mental health conditions such as anxiety, narcissism, CPTSD and BPD. When we continue to label ourselves as victim's we give up the control we do have over our lives and deny accountability for our own actions. We hold ourselves back from our full potential and live out our lives from a place of fear and blame. We deem ourselves powerless over the direction of our lives and this in turn only leads to more feelings of helplessness. To correct this mindset takes consistent effort in the face of both limitations and expectations. It starts with accepting who we truly are, acknowledging what we are capable of, taking accountability for ourselves/emotions and trading out unhealthy coping mechanisms for healthy ones to bring peace into our lives as much as we possibly can. 


Many seeking help now grew up in some form of dysfunctional family system. This isn't to say you had to have had a dysfunctional childhood to have dysfunction in adulthood. Identifying your family system and the roles played can help you to understand your internalized thoughts/behaviors/tendencies and challenge them. Keep in mind, this isn't to put blame on the family. Trauma in the family system is often referred to as "generational trauma". This means the "lessons", "ways of life" values and behaviors taught to your grandparents shaped who they became, which they then passed down to your parents, which shaped who they became, which was then passed down to you, which, you guessed it, shaped who you are. Keep in mind that the systems and state of society in place at the time during your family's history also helped to shape them and yourself. 

Tip Says: When looking into your own self healing, it's important not to diagnose yourself. One of the first lessons in Psych 101 is that when you begin looking into the human condition it's HIGHLY common to identify yourself within the diagnoses you are learning. As humans we are constantly trying to find meaning, identify ourselves, fit in and make sense of things. We are also constantly learning and growing. There is A LOT of crossover when it comes to psychological conditions and we all experience a full range of emotions and experiences that are bound to be felt in intense ways that are relatable to various mental health conditions. 

You can experience bouts of depression without being chronically depressed. You can relate to and experience the habits of those with ADHD without having ADHD. You can disassociate and desensitize without being traumatized.  Psychology is largely a soft science (as in it's not all hard facts one size fits all) and is constantly evolving as are human beings. This is one reason why it can be helpful not to overly identify with labels. 

When we overly identify we can actually prevent ourselves from growth. You start everyday waking up with that label and it's natural to begin to shift your narrative to fit this idea you have formed. While labels can help us to study certain areas and give us direction, they are not the end goal of healing.